chess

you know i have to admit that i get tired of the bullshit that encompasses much of this life. aggravation. i get tired of the fact that we are paying for sins that occurred forever ago. i.e. Lucifer's fall from grace, Adam and Eve fucking it up in the garden. seriously?? its not like you can lie to God. so on and on it goes the children paying for the sins of the father because they couldn't pull their heads out of their asses. Not that i guess there is much i can do about it except bitch. well that's not entirely true.

i can make damn sure (to the best of my ability, which isn't  much.) that my mistakes don't trickle down the family line. which being human, its damn near impossible. But I am not alone, with the help of the ones i love and yes, with the help of God it is not unattainable.

we are told from the very beginning that we are broken, flawed creatures. doomed to rot in the darkness that eats all things unless we chose a side. accept our forgiveness and you get to go home. don't and you have to go to a burning pit of absolute suffering and horror etc etc etc...that lasts forever. which if that's your selling point its a wonder more people aren't flocking to church to get the "get out of jail free" card.

this would be my selling point "what have you got to lose?" seriously....you believe which turns into faith and accept your forgiveness/repent and yes you do it on a daily basis and after you have lived all the years you were granted the day you were born you get to go home if not, hell has plenty of room. but say you believed and had faith and then you die. finished. nothing else happens. you are no more. well you wont know it anymore because your worm food. so once again what do you have to lose?

this is the rub. accepting your forgiveness is not a magic wand. at least not down here. yes once your are forgiven God casts your sins as far as the east is from the west. yes i do believe that. but we still have to deal with the fallout from whatever stupid choice we made, but with your forgiveness firmly locked within you the fallout its not nearly as rough to walk through. But people, with that damn instant gratification that we all want from the moment we are born, walk away. fall away. come up with some asinine reason to not go or believe.

personally some days i think those people are cowards. (me included) because when you have faith you are naturally rocking the boat. you are taking a stand. you are saying with your soul that this is the side that i choose. this is the path i choose to walk. and quite frankly the world is not kind to believers, of anything. if you believe than you are a fool. and if you agree, than you are more lost than i am, and i'm pretty lost.

I'm OK with that though. got some nice scenery on this path. but i digress.

my point is, one of many, that even with faith i still get tired of the bullshit. of waiting. of feeling like a damn pawn in a chess game that started eons before God cast me into this world. and no i don't have any guilt about that. If God is big enough to make all of this then He is big enough to handle my frustrations.

secondly, we may be "broken", "flawed" creatures, seemingly unable to step into the light but we are perfect in all of our imperfections. we carry within us that divine spark, that word that God spoke, when all of this came into existence. we are worth it.

thirdly, i still have faith, i still have hope. maybe that makes me a fool, but if you could look back at some of the fashion choices i made in the past then you would know i have no issues being a fool. i will gladly keep my faith and "foolishly" hope that this is temporary. this life, in its present state, is not forever. that yes even the bullshit will fade and maybe someday this damn chess game will finally end and we all get to go home.

Seeds

Planting seeds or trying too. More like casting them out and praying that some stick. And when I am done, I grab another bag.

I want to be able to say that. I want to be able to look back and say, "You see that, I may have cast those seeds out but it was by the Lord's mercy and grace and love that they stuck."

I want to say, "Even though at times I gave up or felt like giving up because i was tired of seeing seed not stick, to either me or you, God never gave up on me or you."

I want you to see that God never gives up, no matter how many times the seeds don't stick.

So when you are ready feel free to grab another bag.

Strength

Magic Beans.
Field of Dreams.
Nothing is what it seems.

My heart is broken.
My soul is dry.
I see you smile when I cry.

My dreams aren't dead.
Just lost in my head.
This is the place where I have been led.

All this chaos.
All this loss.
Polished to a shiny gloss.

Just leave me here.
Within this tear.
You shall see me crystal clear.

I'll find my Hope.
Not by this rope.
Not the ending that you wrote.

Quit looking for me.
You can not see.
That I am stronger than you thought I could be.

So here I stand upon this Rock.
Waiting to join the Shepard's flock.
And by His side I will walk.

061520011

The City

This would kind of be easier to explain with pencil and paper or some kind of paint/drawing application but I suck at both, so I will try to illustrate with words more of what this journey is for me.

Imagine a big city filled with believers and unbelievers. Full of light and no concept of time. Think of it as THE city. A symbolic representation of faith, in the middle of our creation but it is also more then that. It is the middle of ALL creation. Everything and I mean everything that He made. The reason it has no concept of time is because God is outside of time. He was with us, is with us now and will be with us all at the same time. God is non-linear. So you will have to approach this in two ways at the same time. The first way is the realization and understanding of the last three sentences and the second is from a human/linear point of view. If you can do that then most of what I share will maybe make sense. Hopefully.

Now many people are called to God but we all know that too few will answer. There are those who have left the city, and have set up shop in other places making smaller cities and smaller towns and sometimes just an outpost of some kind. Many of the ones who answer will stay in the city to help their brothers and sisters to find their way to God, sometimes in vain but we don't give up on them because God won't give up on us.

Even though some are found they still end up a little lost. They get comfortable. Now there isn't anything wrong with being comfortable but when it starts to affect your Faith in a negative way then yes becoming comfortable is bad, and you could end up worse off then you were when you were lost.

Now people leave the city for many reasons. Fear, doubt , faith, trust. Sometimes God calls people out and sometimes the devil calls people out. If you look back through the bible you will find that many of the prophets had left the city to be closer to God and to help their brothers and sisters be closer to God. If you look through the present times, you will see that many of his children have also left the city with the intentions of getting/being closer to God and helping their brothers and sisters be closer to God.(missionaries) And as far the future is concerned well I can't see that but I trust in God.

Now combine the prophets that were, are and will be into this group that I am talking about. Some come back to the city to help enlighten fellow believers and some do not. Either they got lost or God asked them to stay in the smaller cities/towns or He called them out further into the dark and some have kept going and some have set up outposts. Little points of light to help those that will follow. Those that are seeking. Some of these outposts are empty. Just a place to rest up and either go back or keep going. now all these prophets are guides given to us by God to help us get to Him. (We are a stubborn, doubtful, fearful, people. We need all the help we can get. We truly NEED God.)

So I have left the city. Answering His call, with at times sluggish feet. Piddled around here and there through out my life. I can still see the lights of the city. I can still feel the warmth of the light upon my skin. My heart aches with its memory. As much as I long to go back and find some nice warm comfortable place to be I hear Gods word, His song ringing from the desert. My journey is not done. There is much for me to learn out here in the wilderness. There is much that God has yet to show me. It is my hope that at the end of my journey you won''t just see me. It is my hope that you will see Him.

So I will place one foot in front of the other, knowing that I do not walk alone. God is with me always.

Trust

I've been struggling in a way spiritually (sort of) its really hard to explain. God told me a year or so ago that He would take me on a journey spiritually that would ultimately bring me closer to Him and some understanding along the way. But I find at times that I am having a hard time swallowing that particular pill. We have been having some interesting conversations, God and I. God has been telling me that its through the darkness that I/We will find the light. Not entirely sure what it means but I'm scared of the dark.(literally I sleep with the closet light on, not ashamed.) I will go where He leads me because somewhere at the core of me I trust God unconditionally. I trust His word, His promise. But I'm sure you know that the flesh is stubborn and fearful..

Though I will admit my fear is mostly because I don't trust humans. They have a tendency to write off what they don't understand. So I hope that helps you to understand a little at least my trepidation.

But I have been walking in some darkness. And I feel alone. I am the spiritual leader of my house. I pray for the ones I love. I pray for the ones I don't. I worry that when the time comes we will be on opposite sides of the fence. Sometimes I worry that one day I will wake up on the wrong side of the fence. I trust His plan, mostly. (I'm human. Mostly. =0)

Broken

How the soul aches.

How the heart breaks.

The joy is gone.

The sorrow has begun.

Love was lost.

Shadow keeper.

Lonely weeper.

Shades of grey.

Lets go play.

Shattered and undone.

Oh! Lets have some fun.

Within the bell towers.

Ring all the pretty flowers.

Flutterby.

Butterfly.

Along the shore.

Of your broken core.

Standing adrift, standing alone.

Playing with some old bones.

07032006

Dream

all about the labels.

mismatching the fables.


talking about the money tree.
always want to get it for free.


riding on the elevator.
up the stairs to the creator.


we all want the happy forever.
hopefully for the ever after.


surrounded by those nameless faces.
everyone trying to win the races.


dream.
dream.
imagination.
all we need is some creation.


lost within the nonsense.
standing in the silence.


03182008

wait

even in darkness the love shall flow.

even when the dance is slow.

standing in the twilight.

watching candles burning bright.

dancing at the edge of shadow.

waiting for your heart to flow.

lost within the broken smile.

waiting for them to go the extra mile.


04072008