Dreams.

                Dreaming.

Almost time to slip this skin.

Everything is about to begin.

Letting go this world so tight.

Heading forward to the light.

What is wrong and who is right.

We shall see at the end of this fight.

Does it matter; not so much.

All that matters is your touch.

Standing here, your hand in mine.

Listening to our souls intertwine.

Wherever you go; I will go.

Even against our greatest foe.

Breathing in a starlit night.

Seeing nothing but a moon, so white.

In the silence, whispers shift.

Now the flashlights are a gift.

Burn it down is what they’ll say.

Though nothing is standing in their way.

Blood will rain, and sounds will crash.

Everything will turn to ash.

Everyone is over now.

There is no one to take a bow.

Our way is gone; how high this cost.

That everything shall be lost.

A heavy weight upon my walk.

Looking for more than dust and chalk.

Waiting here on this endless shore.

A place I have never seen before.

There you are, just by the water.

A desperate storm, getting hotter.

Holding out; your hand to mine.

Our souls once again intertwine.

It’s almost time to slip our skin.

It’s now our time to finally begin.

Where you go, I go is all you say.

Reminding me of our yesterday.

Standing in those starlit nights.

Listening to the wars we fight.

The blood is dry and the sounds have died.

In our tears the world has cried.

The weight is lifted.

And the winds have shifted.

Giving hope a voice to avow.

Our past, our present, our future, now.

I start to see this endless shore.

I remember this place from before.

What was wrong and who was right.

Those ideas have taken flight.

It doesn’t matter all that much.

What does matter; is your touch.

My hand in yours we begin our dance.

Knowing that this wasn’t chance.

Standing here inside the light.

Letting go of what we held tight.

This is where we are meant to be.

This is where we are set free.

Slate.

If you had asked me over a year ago if I would be writing this I would have looked at you with, probably, some anger. But alas, here I am writing. Let’s start at the breaking point. It’s not the beginning but it is a culmination of events that became the final straw that broke the camel’s back. My back.

Some time ago God said that He would take me on a spiritual journey that I would take alone. The answers I was seeking and the questions could not be answered by man alone. I had no idea what that would entail. If I had known, I would like to think that I still would have placed my hand in His.

My husband lied to me, a really big lie and I saw it as a betrayal. And to me it was. I love him. Other than my kids there is not another human being that I love this much. I would tear down the universe and build it back up just for them. Bold words I know, but truth. His choice shattered my core. And there was a surge (and drowning in) of anger/rage, sorrow and pain. Finally after so much that had happened in my life, the dam was broken.  I was truly broken.

Being molested, my  dad leaving, my mother’s abuse, my sister (we DID NOT get along), being homeless (by choice, got tired of being no one), giving up someone so precious, being abused by my first husband, almost dying with my son, having another emergency C-section with my daughter (both were early). Those are just some of the major highs/lows,  the point being that a lot of crap piled up and I had “survived”; but that final straw made me realize that I didn’t want to just survive, I wanted to live, thrive, shine. Prove this world wrong.

Even though forgiveness has been given, for sure on my side of things, and hopefully on the other side of things, there is always a residue. The memory remains, the reason why forgiveness was given.  And that residue builds up over time. The slate is never really clean.

So after much wrestling with my faith, and rebuilding of my core, which took a year or so to do I found myself on solid ground but my direction was not clear. On New Year’s Eve I made a life resolution; I wasn’t going to play by the “rules” anymore. I kept praying and seeking. Putting one foot in front of the other; having faith that I was heading in the direction that I needed to go. I have since realized that I was still holding on to some religion, which I promptly embraced and let go.

I got back in touch with my dad and he suggested some books to read. (At this juncture I have only read the Tao Te Ching.) Now a lot of what Lao-tzu (551-479 BCE) wrote in the Tao Te Ching coincide with the teachings of Jesus. Both proclaim the way and the light. Which gave credence to the idea/knowing that God has been speaking to us since the beginning; and it is our spiritual evolution that has changed the parameters and dynamics that we have imposed and or placed on our creator and our interactions with such. Prideful, but true.

We are all looking for the same needle in the same haystack. Our genesis; our point of origin; our God. 

Both speak of losing yourself to find yourself, being by not being. Being still. Truth be told, I never really understood that part. Until now, and I use the word “understood/understand” loosely; for I have come a long way but I have a long way to go. This is exciting but extremely frustrating since I can be categorized as an all or nothing kind of person and that being stated, patience is not my strong suit.  Since patience is not my strong suit I realized that it was the main source of my frustrations on this journey. In fact my lack of patience is, most probably, the source of my many frustrations.

Since I have had the unique event of having to rebuild my core I am starting to understand what it means to find yourself by giving up and or losing yourself. The “self” that we must lose, I have found to be a matrix that we build based on what the world and those around us project; a culmination of our choices and expectations and other people’s choices and their expectations.

Although my core had been broken, my “self” matrix, my outer shell, was pretty much intact. After rebuilding much of my core and after coming to this “understanding” I have since made the choice to break down/”die” and let go of this “self”, this “life”, so that I may find my true self, my true matrix, my life. So that I am not just a being of reaction but a being of action; that I am not a potentiality but an actuality. To be honest it is frustrating because it is something that takes time and there is not a magic wand that will make this happen. I really need to work on my patience. 

After much prayer and reading and meditation and just plain thinking I came to a conclusion. That if I truly am not going to play by the rules and if I love as I say I love than, there is an action I must take. I must throw out the slate. The old cliche that actions speak louder than words is so very true.  So every day in my actions and choices I strive to live as though I have thrown out the slate. I don’t always “succeed” but through my “failings” I am learning to have compassion towards others and myself.

I have learned that I am grateful for the sorrow and the pain, for the crap that had built up and was finally broken and scattered to the wind. I am grateful for the shattering of my core and the realizations that came with rebuilding. I am grateful to break down and let go of this “self”.

I am discovering who I am and what that means.  I am finding and embracing my laughter, my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my rage and my discontent. I am learning to accept what is and what isn’t and embracing that those states of being are constantly changing. I am finding my way to the way. I know that I will make many more discoveries about myself, this life, our creator. I will have more questions and doubts, and that knowledge is not disheartening but encouraging. Though our journeys are separate and unique, we and everything we do or don’t do, all that is seen and unseen is connected. We are all tied to the same source.  I am discovering that we can dance and watch the dance at the same time. We can see the forest and the trees. We can be lost and found at the same time.

Me

                     Reason.

I want to scream from the rage inside me. 

I want to dream through the darkness that surrounds me.

I want to dance through the chaos around me.

I want the chance for you to see me.

                     Truth.

Did you ever stop and wonder? 

What this spell is I fell under. 

Trapped within this mortal coil. 

Joints are creaking I need some oil. 

I have my faith. It holds me tight. 

Even through the darkest night. 

In my sorrow there is joy. 

Even though you seek to destroy.

Oh what happens, when sleep is late? 

The sisters leave us to our fate.

Dancing through this dream  like slumber. 

Waiting to be called? Of course, our number.

So fights we wage, in battle, in war.

To find out the "truth" is just a whore.

Standing on our funeral pyre.

Ignited by self righteous fire.

Falling to our knees to pray.

Asking for another day.

In her sorrow, she does weep.

For the secrets that they keep.

Kept within the time before now.

Broken will be, a sacred vow.

For such an act, how high the cost.

What has been won, will be lost.

Pretty words flowing through my brain. 

I wonder sometimes if I'm sane.

I see the darkness closing in.

Only to find that it comes from within.

My hope is broken, my soul is torn.

But like a phoenix, I'll be reborn.

Through searing light.

And wondrous flight.

But first shall be a war so old.

A story that has yet to be told.

In whispered voices.

All those choices.

Reasons why the angels fly.

Reasons why they chose to die.

Why is it that we can not see?

The price it was, that set us free.

The truth is out there, so they say.

To make it through another day.

Unwrap these chains, this is my choice.

Do you finally, hear my voice?

More than stardust. More than chance.

May I please have this dance?

We think that we have found "the" way.

Secrets for another day.

In our pride, how do we fall.

Blindly through the crystal ball. 

With silent screams.

And broken dreams.

Through this pain a place was reached.

A tower that could not be breached.

In the darkness I will weep

For this secret is mine to keep.

A memory lost inside our time.

A word outside our reason or rhyme.

Through all the sorrow and the pain.

There will be joy, yes in the rain.

(I am a phoenix as I said.

Maybe even crazy in the head.

But what I have seen has set me free.

So kiss my ass and let me be.)

Gods and Devils

People standing in a cornfield, watching dead trees sway in a nonexistent wind.

Telephone poles standing silent, marking the trivial accomplishments of a dying race.

Imbecilic morons, trying to save the world, fall into a black hole, filled with their misgivings.

Oil fields pumping the earth's blood from the core of her being.

Aching to release the gods from their imprisonment of unbelief.

The stars dying and falling through the worlds.

Angels and demon laying downs arms and calling a truce.

Deciding that they would rather have coffee and cigarettes at an all night diner.

Children smiling, while watching them embrace.

The tears of fire and ice flowing.

Bible thumpers shaking their heads, completely distraught.

Because they lost their money on the war. 

Sunbeams flowing through stain glass windows.

Belonging to a cathedral that is falling apart and breaking.

Souls wandering in, trying to recapture their faith, that they lost,

When Hope gave the gods her two weeks notice.

Tired of trying to save people who only want to fall.

Tripping over dreams of a once enlightened soul.

Now forsaken and forgotten, laying in a gutter.

Death on his might pale horse, charging into the battle for life,

Beheading all the ones who refuse to bow down to the new gods.

Guardian angels running, frantic, around.

Trying to catch all the fireflies before they slip through the cracks.

Butterflies find sanctuary in the bell towers of my mind.

Coliseums of mighty thoughts fall as the drugs take their hold. 

An epiphany of salvation is reached, while children dance in the rain.

The acidic juice pumping through the strongholds of creation.

Lilies fall from the sky, landing in a pond where wishes were once cast.

I light my cigarette and look out the window.

Listening to the angels and demons reminiscing over the old days.

I smile when i see a shooting star trying to make its way through the smog filled skies.

Many people not noticing the little joys in life. 

Wondering when a smile was still free.

Neon lights flickering in the distance, promising a good time.

I try to think of the last time i had a good time.

I smile when I remember the birth of creation.

The first light that pierced the darkness. 

Sadness well up from within me.

I remember when that innocence was lost.

When the darkness began to take over the light.

I pay the waitress and I walk outside.

The chilly air wiping away the warmth of the diner.

I walk across the way to the park.

The shadows turning the happy place into a desolate wasteland.

I sit on a bench.

Put my head in my hands.

And I cry.

(side note: i wrote this 12/25/1999 and to be honest not much has changed and so much has changed)

chess

you know i have to admit that i get tired of the bullshit that encompasses much of this life. aggravation. i get tired of the fact that we are paying for sins that occurred forever ago. i.e. Lucifer's fall from grace, Adam and Eve fucking it up in the garden. seriously?? its not like you can lie to God. so on and on it goes the children paying for the sins of the father because they couldn't pull their heads out of their asses. Not that i guess there is much i can do about it except bitch. well that's not entirely true.

i can make damn sure (to the best of my ability, which isn't  much.) that my mistakes don't trickle down the family line. which being human, its damn near impossible. But I am not alone, with the help of the ones i love and yes, with the help of God it is not unattainable.

we are told from the very beginning that we are broken, flawed creatures. doomed to rot in the darkness that eats all things unless we chose a side. accept our forgiveness and you get to go home. don't and you have to go to a burning pit of absolute suffering and horror etc etc etc...that lasts forever. which if that's your selling point its a wonder more people aren't flocking to church to get the "get out of jail free" card.

this would be my selling point "what have you got to lose?" seriously....you believe which turns into faith and accept your forgiveness/repent and yes you do it on a daily basis and after you have lived all the years you were granted the day you were born you get to go home if not, hell has plenty of room. but say you believed and had faith and then you die. finished. nothing else happens. you are no more. well you wont know it anymore because your worm food. so once again what do you have to lose?

this is the rub. accepting your forgiveness is not a magic wand. at least not down here. yes once your are forgiven God casts your sins as far as the east is from the west. yes i do believe that. but we still have to deal with the fallout from whatever stupid choice we made, but with your forgiveness firmly locked within you the fallout its not nearly as rough to walk through. But people, with that damn instant gratification that we all want from the moment we are born, walk away. fall away. come up with some asinine reason to not go or believe.

personally some days i think those people are cowards. (me included) because when you have faith you are naturally rocking the boat. you are taking a stand. you are saying with your soul that this is the side that i choose. this is the path i choose to walk. and quite frankly the world is not kind to believers, of anything. if you believe than you are a fool. and if you agree, than you are more lost than i am, and i'm pretty lost.

I'm OK with that though. got some nice scenery on this path. but i digress.

my point is, one of many, that even with faith i still get tired of the bullshit. of waiting. of feeling like a damn pawn in a chess game that started eons before God cast me into this world. and no i don't have any guilt about that. If God is big enough to make all of this then He is big enough to handle my frustrations.

secondly, we may be "broken", "flawed" creatures, seemingly unable to step into the light but we are perfect in all of our imperfections. we carry within us that divine spark, that word that God spoke, when all of this came into existence. we are worth it.

thirdly, i still have faith, i still have hope. maybe that makes me a fool, but if you could look back at some of the fashion choices i made in the past then you would know i have no issues being a fool. i will gladly keep my faith and "foolishly" hope that this is temporary. this life, in its present state, is not forever. that yes even the bullshit will fade and maybe someday this damn chess game will finally end and we all get to go home.

Seeds

Planting seeds or trying too. More like casting them out and praying that some stick. And when I am done, I grab another bag.

I want to be able to say that. I want to be able to look back and say, "You see that, I may have cast those seeds out but it was by the Lord's mercy and grace and love that they stuck."

I want to say, "Even though at times I gave up or felt like giving up because i was tired of seeing seed not stick, to either me or you, God never gave up on me or you."

I want you to see that God never gives up, no matter how many times the seeds don't stick.

So when you are ready feel free to grab another bag.

Strength

Magic Beans.
Field of Dreams.
Nothing is what it seems.

My heart is broken.
My soul is dry.
I see you smile when I cry.

My dreams aren't dead.
Just lost in my head.
This is the place where I have been led.

All this chaos.
All this loss.
Polished to a shiny gloss.

Just leave me here.
Within this tear.
You shall see me crystal clear.

I'll find my Hope.
Not by this rope.
Not the ending that you wrote.

Quit looking for me.
You can not see.
That I am stronger than you thought I could be.

So here I stand upon this Rock.
Waiting to join the Shepard's flock.
And by His side I will walk.

061520011