Slate.

If you had asked me over a year ago if I would be writing this I would have looked at you with, probably, some anger. But alas, here I am writing. Let’s start at the breaking point. It’s not the beginning but it is a culmination of events that became the final straw that broke the camel’s back. My back.

Some time ago God said that He would take me on a spiritual journey that I would take alone. The answers I was seeking and the questions could not be answered by man alone. I had no idea what that would entail. If I had known, I would like to think that I still would have placed my hand in His.

My husband lied to me, a really big lie and I saw it as a betrayal. And to me it was. I love him. Other than my kids there is not another human being that I love this much. I would tear down the universe and build it back up just for them. Bold words I know, but truth. His choice shattered my core. And there was a surge (and drowning in) of anger/rage, sorrow and pain. Finally after so much that had happened in my life, the dam was broken.  I was truly broken.

Being molested, my  dad leaving, my mother’s abuse, my sister (we DID NOT get along), being homeless (by choice, got tired of being no one), giving up someone so precious, being abused by my first husband, almost dying with my son, having another emergency C-section with my daughter (both were early). Those are just some of the major highs/lows,  the point being that a lot of crap piled up and I had “survived”; but that final straw made me realize that I didn’t want to just survive, I wanted to live, thrive, shine. Prove this world wrong.

Even though forgiveness has been given, for sure on my side of things, and hopefully on the other side of things, there is always a residue. The memory remains, the reason why forgiveness was given.  And that residue builds up over time. The slate is never really clean.

So after much wrestling with my faith, and rebuilding of my core, which took a year or so to do I found myself on solid ground but my direction was not clear. On New Year’s Eve I made a life resolution; I wasn’t going to play by the “rules” anymore. I kept praying and seeking. Putting one foot in front of the other; having faith that I was heading in the direction that I needed to go. I have since realized that I was still holding on to some religion, which I promptly embraced and let go.

I got back in touch with my dad and he suggested some books to read. (At this juncture I have only read the Tao Te Ching.) Now a lot of what Lao-tzu (551-479 BCE) wrote in the Tao Te Ching coincide with the teachings of Jesus. Both proclaim the way and the light. Which gave credence to the idea/knowing that God has been speaking to us since the beginning; and it is our spiritual evolution that has changed the parameters and dynamics that we have imposed and or placed on our creator and our interactions with such. Prideful, but true.

We are all looking for the same needle in the same haystack. Our genesis; our point of origin; our God. 

Both speak of losing yourself to find yourself, being by not being. Being still. Truth be told, I never really understood that part. Until now, and I use the word “understood/understand” loosely; for I have come a long way but I have a long way to go. This is exciting but extremely frustrating since I can be categorized as an all or nothing kind of person and that being stated, patience is not my strong suit.  Since patience is not my strong suit I realized that it was the main source of my frustrations on this journey. In fact my lack of patience is, most probably, the source of my many frustrations.

Since I have had the unique event of having to rebuild my core I am starting to understand what it means to find yourself by giving up and or losing yourself. The “self” that we must lose, I have found to be a matrix that we build based on what the world and those around us project; a culmination of our choices and expectations and other people’s choices and their expectations.

Although my core had been broken, my “self” matrix, my outer shell, was pretty much intact. After rebuilding much of my core and after coming to this “understanding” I have since made the choice to break down/”die” and let go of this “self”, this “life”, so that I may find my true self, my true matrix, my life. So that I am not just a being of reaction but a being of action; that I am not a potentiality but an actuality. To be honest it is frustrating because it is something that takes time and there is not a magic wand that will make this happen. I really need to work on my patience. 

After much prayer and reading and meditation and just plain thinking I came to a conclusion. That if I truly am not going to play by the rules and if I love as I say I love than, there is an action I must take. I must throw out the slate. The old cliche that actions speak louder than words is so very true.  So every day in my actions and choices I strive to live as though I have thrown out the slate. I don’t always “succeed” but through my “failings” I am learning to have compassion towards others and myself.

I have learned that I am grateful for the sorrow and the pain, for the crap that had built up and was finally broken and scattered to the wind. I am grateful for the shattering of my core and the realizations that came with rebuilding. I am grateful to break down and let go of this “self”.

I am discovering who I am and what that means.  I am finding and embracing my laughter, my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my rage and my discontent. I am learning to accept what is and what isn’t and embracing that those states of being are constantly changing. I am finding my way to the way. I know that I will make many more discoveries about myself, this life, our creator. I will have more questions and doubts, and that knowledge is not disheartening but encouraging. Though our journeys are separate and unique, we and everything we do or don’t do, all that is seen and unseen is connected. We are all tied to the same source.  I am discovering that we can dance and watch the dance at the same time. We can see the forest and the trees. We can be lost and found at the same time.